How Do We Teach Our Youth to Hate?

Bullying doesn’t only happen in schools and teaching children to hate and justify bullying starts at a youth’s extremely young age and can carry through to adulthood. That’s not to say that if a child bullies he/she is bad and will always be a bully. When my kids were very young, they were outside playing with a boy who lived down the street. Our next door neighbor’s son was outside in his yard playing. This neighbor child was as sweet as the day is long but he had mental challenges and they were pronounced. Somehow, I went outside to find my kids and the boy down the street making fun of our neighbor by taunting him and calling him names. I was so taken aback by surprise that it took me a moment to gather my thoughts and figure out what to do.

The first thing I did was to bring all 3 children inside and talk to them about how it feels to be bullied. We conducted a little role playing which clarified for each child how the bullied neighbor child felt when they were taunting him and they were very understanding (except for the boy who lived down the street). I sent the visitor home and my kids and I had a heart-to-heart talk about how not only the bullied child feels hurt but that the people around the bullied child feel hurt as well. It was clear to them that I NEVER wanted to hear about either of them bullying again. Furthermore, they were sent to invite the neighbor child over to play and get to know him.

There was no punishment, there was only instructive conversation and restitution. The neighbor child was several years older than my children so the kids didn’t continue to play together after that day but MY children, to my knowledge, never bullied again. Instead, I heard from their teachers over the years that they were usually the ones who stood up and defended a child when he or she was being bullied. I was extremely happy about that.

In schools we punish the bullies but that only makes the bully resentful and angry and more likely to be careful to bully when adults aren’t present. When I was teaching, I would talk to the bullied child and validate her/his feelings and I suggested that they, with me present, talked to the bully and share their hurt feelings. (If one didn’t want to have that discussion, I didn’t force it.) When we did talk to the bully, we talked in a very non-threatening manner and simply described to the offender the actions that made the victim feel bullied and what emotions the victim experienced during the incident. I was astonished by how many times the offender didn’t realize the full impact of their actions and how genuinely sorry they were when they learned. After that conversation, we discussed restitution and how the bully might work to heal the wounds he/she caused. Most of the time, a genuine apology and vow not to repeat was all the victim sought. In many instances, the 2 became friends or friendly with one another!

When our youth encounter circumstances or people they don’t understand or have not previously experienced, they will ask questions about the differences they see in people and circumstances around them. They need to learn so a simple and direct answer without negative judgement is the best. For Example, “That person can’t use his/her legs so they have that special chair to help them get around. How would you feel if you couldn’t use your legs? Would you want me to get you a wheelchair to help you move around?” “Those 2 men/women love each other so they’re holding hands. Do you like to hold hands with someone you love?”

Not all parents are as understanding as we would hope they would be and some mock the differences by using derogatory names and making fun of what they see. They may not fully understand how that negativity teaches a child that differences are to be scorned and that the people with differences are some how less than those without. (*differences meaning different from those in the home environment and immediate community)

“It takes a village to raise a child.” is very true. This is where other people in the child’s immediate life (microsystem) can be a valuable asset and model understanding and appreciation. If the parents haven’t had the teaching conversation, then the others in the lives can step in. It’s important what we model and how we react so the child develops empathy and an understanding that not everyone is the same and our differences make us more interesting. We call all learn from the stories of others and that builds compassion and empathy.

Beyond the microsystem is the mesosystem that includes people who directly influence a life but aren’t members of the nuclear family. (teachers and caregivers, for example) How they model positive interactions with a wide variety of variation among individuals is critically important as well. In fact, throughout the ecological developmental system what children observe about words and actions is more powerful that anything we can teach.

That is why I am totally dismayed about our political and parts of our social environment these days. When the person in charge of our country and many of those in equal office levels pander hate and disdain for people from other countries or those of non-white skin tones, that shapes a developing child’s attitudes and beliefs as well. These developmental assets for positive youth development can become absent:

When the same hateful sentiments and attitudes are prevalent at home and in a community as well, there is little chance for a youth to experience positive growth in these and other areas. They learn anger, hate, fear, and prejudice. These can have a negative effect on developing health and mental wellness that can last a lifetime.

No member of any community is powerless to help mold positive assets in any youth. We can all lead by example and teachings in big and small ways. One comment or event can take a youth from hatred to caring. Never be afraid to take the chance to make a positive difference in a life.