What to Do When a Child is Being Bullied.

First and foremost, we parents need to understand that bullying extends far beyond the schoolyard these days and can include bullies (adults and children) from anywhere around the world. It’s not inconceivable that a bully can not be confronted in person so it’s IMPERATIVE that adults and caregivers be vigilant about any media a child is using. That means that all histories and passwords need to be available for daily checks and at NO TIME should a child have a computer, TV, or phone alone when in a room and certainly not in their bedrooms until they are adults. We didn’t allow our children to have any device in their rooms so we had a room set up for media for them where we could always see the screens they were using. Private passwords were not allowed–PERIOD.

The reason for this imperative of course is how easily your child is vulnerable to predators as well as those who seek to mentally and emotionally harm others. Bullying that starts at school is often joined by others who have never met your child!

Children must know there is a safe place to report bullying at home and at school. Often, kids are afraid to report for fear of making the bullying worse and often they are correct that it will. How the parents and schools handle the bullying is the key to successful remediation. I once had the superintendent of our school system tell me that “children will be children and some kids will bully so the rest have to toughen up”. no kidding. That is NOT true and please don’t let your child or you be dismissed by personnel when there is a problem. In my teaching career and in my raising of our children, I have found that a calm peaceful conversation with the teacher/administrator can have a profoundly positive effect when bullying is consistent and when the child who is bullying is involved. I didn’t find it to be useful to attack or admonish the bully but rather (with the victim’s permission) to have a conversation with the child(ren) involved in the incident.

Beginning with the offender, we’d just have a discussion involving what the child CHOSE to do and the actions the offender CHOSE to take. (CHOSE is the operative word because it takes the onus away for consequences from others and places at the feet of the bully.) Next, I’d focus on the bully and discuss times when he/she had been picked on and how it felt at the time to go through that. With the victim’s permission, the next step was to have a conversation with all of the parties involved including bystanders if possible. This was not to impugn any child, but rather, to talk about feelings of the children involved when the incident(s) took place. Finally, I’d have a talk with the victim and we’d discuss appropriate restitution which most of the time was an honest apology.

Depending on the severity of the bullying, greater more stringent action may be needed. Not every problem can be remediated by a discussion.