Batteries! Lights! Bleeping! What’s Under Your Tree?

assorted-color interlocking blocks on floor
Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

With the holiday season being upon us, our focus turns to the latest and greatest toys (which are often electronic) in the store. There is nothing wrong with electronic toys here and there but the toys of quality are books and those that require imaginative play. My kids won’t even be married until summer of 2020 and I’m already collecting toys for grandkids (with my fingers crossed). I’m collecting Legos, K’nex, wooden trains and train tracks, marble works, blocks, etc. Why? Because these kinds of toys engage a child’s brain and teach him/her problem solving skills while the children are actively engaged in their activity instead of their being passive observers. When they build/explore/share they develop language skills, social skills, understanding of physics concepts, problem solving, planning, seeing a work of theirs to completion, a concept of permanency, and so much more.

When our kids were young, they received far too many toys from relatives and friends that were fascinating for 10 minutes and never touched again. There were too many and there was little variation in play. The batteries polluted our Earth and the plastic will last forever. (I donated all working toys.) The toys they always came back to were the most simple. We’d play games like build the tallest building, make the longest train track, and more. Counting, organizing, categorizing and other skills played an important role in our “games”. Play is the best teacher for children (and adults). Play never grew old for us because the variation in their use was infinite. No play session was ever the same allowing different skills to be explored each time. When the play becomes a family affair, memories that will never be forgotten are created and the bonding is strong.

The other fantastic quality of imaginative toys are the inclusion benefits. No particular skills are required and children of all ages can play at the same time. Children with all kinds of different abilities can play and be included and all children involved can benefit from interacting with a variety of children with a variety of abilities.

Quality toys can be pricey which is why I usually bought ours at garage sales. Today, there are numerous on-line sites where toys can be purchased inexpensively. I just recently bought a HUGE tub of Legos for $25. for instance. Thrift stores can also offer great deals. Sometimes, parents form a sharing cooperative with friends where toys move from family to family every so many weeks or months. (determined by the group) Toys don’t have to be expensive to be good.

There is more information about the benefits of simple and fewer toys in this article: https://returntonow.net/2019/04/02/study-having-fewer-simpler-toys-makes-children-more-imaginative-and-intelligent/

What are the toys your children (or children of others you know) play with the most? What do you notice about their play when it comes to cooperation, talking, problem-solving, planning, etc? I’d love to hear your stories.

Petitions

OPINION: I must get 5 bazillion petitions to sign in my email every day. (MAYBE they just want my signature but are too shy to ask?) Today’s petition contained the following verbiage:

“Young black and brown girls have long been the victims of discriminatory rules and punitive practices that push them out of the classroom and into the crosshairs of the criminal injustice system. Black girls are seven times more likely to be suspended than white girls. Black girls are also four times more likely to be arrested at school.

Schools police black girls’ bodies, hair, and ability to express themselves. Worst of all, school resource officers often use excessive force when engaging with black girls over simple infractions.”

There have been numerous stories about how young girls of color have be punitively punished for natural hairstyles, (might as well punish someone for the appearance of their face–it makes as much sense.) girls who have been slammed to the ground over seemingly nothing, and girls of color who are given consequences for indiscretions that are much harsher than those given to their Caucasian counterparts who commit the same infractions. This has to stop.

In 2006 the FBI issued a report warning of infiltration into our law enforcement agencies of white supremacists. ( https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/fbi-white-supremacists-in-law-enforcement ) They also teach in our schools, work in public offices, and are sometimes administrators in school systems. This is why parents who are NOT of color need to pay attention to what’s happening in our children’s schools.

I often wear a sweatshirt that reads, “It takes white people to change white people. Be the change.” To me, that means it is our responsibility to call out bad behaviors and discriminatory discipline in our educational institutions. WE MUST be the ones in great numbers who are calling the school and demanding better treatment of our girls of color when we know of discriminatory actions. To ignore these occurrences is to give tacit permission to continue.

Recently, there was a young girl of color who was not allowed to have her school picture taken because of her hairstyle. HER HAIRSTYLE? That hairstyle was adorable. SHE is adorable and SHE’S EIGHT!

I’m retired now, but when I was teaching White girls had all different kinds of color streaks in their hair or their head of hair was an unconventional color and the same is true now. Crickets on that from school photographers and administrators.

What I would have hoped would have happened in this little girl’s defense is that all parents, regardless of skin tone, would have called that school and raised the roof. Sending this little angel the message that something was so egregiously wrong with HER that she couldn’t get a simple school picture taken, is beyond the pale. In fact, people who didn’t have kids in the school should have called. I called. I hope I wasn’t the only one.

Why are His Hands so Dirty?

woman sitting on wheelchair during fun run
Photo by Kevin André on Unsplash

My mother tells the story of the first time I saw a person of color when I was very young. The person was someone we had seen while we were out shopping or something and I not so quietly blared, “Why are his hands so dirty?” (I was a curious very young child.) and I embarrassed my mother greatly. I was probably wondering about the dirt because as kids we were always told to wash our hands and my parents checked our hands to see that we had done so. I was keenly aware of hand cleanliness and I guess I must have had high standards. LOL

In today’s society we encounter a wide variety of skin tones, physical abilities, appearances, variations in so many different areas of human appearance that it is totally natural for children to ask questions when they see someone whose appearance, for whatever reason, isn’t like the appearance of others in their world. What IS unnatural is to give our children the notion that there is something wrong with an individual’s difference(s) in how they look.

When I not so discretely inquired of the “dirty hands”, my mother simply told me that some people have darker skin than ours and that his hands weren’t dirty but were just a different color. That was that. That is all that needed to be said. The answer was direct, factual, and non-judgmental just as it should have been. Had I continued questioning why, a simple factual answer might have been, “Because people in different parts of the world have different skin tones. Families of darker people once lived in areas where the sun was strong so their skin had to protect them from it. Darker skin is better protected from the sun that light skin.”

Different abilities: Questions about people using wheel chairs and various other assistance tools can be answered in the same manner. Asking about wheelchairs, for instance, can be addressed by responding, “because the person can’t walk so they have a special chair that lets them get around. Isn’t that great that they can have that to help them?” Later, follow up discussion can also be a great teacher. “What do think it would be like to not be able to use your legs and have a wheelchair to help you get around?” (building empathy and acceptance) “Can you think of some ways people in wheelchairs might need help from people who walk?” “How could you help someone if they needed your help?” “Remember to ask before you help if the person wants assistance.” Of course, parents need not ask all of these questions or use these exact words. Let the conversation occur naturally. If the child is satisfied by your first response that can be the end of the discussion and at a future time other ideas related to that topic might be appropriate to talk about.

Children who are differently-abled are very frequently the targets of bullies. Life in school can be miserable for those youth and the negative effects of the bullying can last a lifetime. These victims need other children to be their advocates and if children have developed an understanding and empathy for these children, they are more likely to be advocates. How can they learn to be advocates for and accepting of all different children?

BOOKS! BOOKS! BOOKS!

MAYBE because of my background as a reading specialist, I strongly suggest books written for children about those with disabilities. It’s a great way to introduce the topic and create a natural environment for discussion. If you’ve shared books featuring a rich diversity of people, perhaps your child will understand people using various equipment when they’re in public and not view someone in a wheelchair, for example, as someone to be feared. Where or where can you find these books? Take your kids to the library to find Your local library is an excellent resource and it’s free!

For more information: (read the introduction and the conclusion unless you’re interested in statistics) https://publikasiilmiah.ums.ac.id/bitstream/handle/11617/10080/ICCE%20Proceeding%20FULL%20rev06062018_50.pdf?sequence=1&isAllowed=y

How Do I Answer That Question?

woman in gray top
Photo by Tachina Lee on Unsplash

Kids notice random things and they ask SOOOOOOOOOO many questions. Sometimes the questions are never ending but that’s a good thing. They are thinking and learning. Once in a while it’s fun to ask them, “What do you think?” then “Why do you think that?” Praise guesses and reasoning when they’re wrong but not falsely. You can offer, ” I can see why you might think that.” or, “That makes sense.” then maybe offer some clues if their answer is not correct. Before you offer to supply the answer, ask. “Do you want me to tell you or do you want to think some more?” Kids need to learn it’s OK to be wrong and that thinking and venturing a guess is always good.

When our kids were young we passed an ice cream stand. It was the end of the season and the flavor of the day was posted as “potpourri” because the store was clearing out their various flavors. Our son tried to read the flavor (I don’t remember what he guessed.) when our daughter turned to him and in her most authoritative big sister voice corrected him. “NO, that’s not __________. It says POT PARTY!” Sorry, I couldn’t help it and I laughed out loud. I was surprised and amused. It was a good guess from both of them but not quite accurate. To this day I don’t know if she even knew what a pot party was, but we now laugh at the story. At age 32 she now knows what “pot” is. Has she been to a party? I don’t know.

There are times, however, when they ask questions that feel uncomfortable or inappropriate at the time to answer due to the age of the child or the nature of the question. Questions like, “Why are those two men or women kissing/holding hands/have their arms around each other?” can cause us to pause in an awkward silence. In a previous post I spoke briefly about developing empathy in our children. When answering questions that seem unanswerable at the time, remember, simplicity is best. We don’t want our children to condemn others for their love interests or think that something is wrong about them so a short answer like, “Because they love each other,” is more than acceptable. Delivered in a matter-of-fact way, we tell the truth and answer the question without more detail than is needed. Many times that will be that but if the questions persist use the KISS principle. “Keep it simple, silly.” “Just the facts, ma’am (or sir). If the questions persist to the point that you don’t think it’s appropriate to answer keep in mind “I don’t know” is always an option.

Our young ones pick up on EVERYTHING, not just our words but our tone and manner. If they see that we are uncomfortable, they will learn that there is something wrong with their question or the concept and that could create a negative interpretation of what they see. I hope we want them to accept people for who they are and to learn that differences among us are good and natural and we can learn from one another. (Some of us adults could do well to keep this in mind too.) Our children live in a far different world of information access than we had when we were young. (technology is obsolete once it’s sitting on the shelf waiting to be sold) Kids may ask all kinds of questions of home devices like Alexa and the like but YOU are the most important teacher your child will ever have . You probably want to be the first source of information for your children. My young children were playing with an anatomy program on which I thought I had turned on the privacy feature to disallow sexual content. I was painting a ceiling when I heard the program ask, Do you want to know how Adam uses his penis and Eve uses her vagina to make a baby? Crap. I yelled, “no” and got off the ladder faster than I’ve ever gotten off of a ladder before. I SUCCESSFULLY set the privacy feature this time and simply told my kids that I didn’t want them to learn about that from a computer and if they wanted to know, to come ask their dad or me. They were totally uninterested. WHEW!

What they learn from you is probably what they will keep in their mind and hearts for a lifetime. Let’s make our answers to their questions are empathetic, simple, honest, and accepting.

For more information about this topic, you may want to read the following article:

http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/004005990403700108

How do you handle discussing questions with your children that make you feel uncomfortable? Please share your experiences in the comments. We’d like to learn from you.

Not-So Terrible Twos

Photo by Senjuti Kundu on Unsplash

HAHAHAHAHAHA you thought YOU were in charge at your house? Your toddler begs to differ. While “NO” seems to be the word of the day, you can solve that problem pretty easily by giving your young ones a choice. They want to exert their independence but they obviously can’t be allowed to run the house.

What’s a parent/caregiver to do? Simple! Give choices when ever possible. Instead of mandating, “Go to bed” and then fighting about it for who knows how long, try, “Do you want to go to bed now or in ten minutes?” (whatever time you want to give) There is a good chance the choice will be in 10 minutes but the choice will have been determined by the toddler, hence giving her/him control. Once the choice is made, make sure you set a timer and announce the countdown so the little one isn’t taken by surprise when the time is over. This is but one example but the principle can used in many different situations.

I remember walking behind my daughter when she was a tot. She’d chosen her own clothes (as she did on most days) and was feeling very fine, thank you very much. I was thinking I wished I had a camera to show her her clownish choices when she was older and I just laughed a little out loud but mostly to myself. When wardrobe matters, and on that particular day it didn’t, for example, giving easy choices like, “Do you want to wear this or that?” are a good alternative when free range choices are not an option. Allowing the child to make the decision instead of being dictated to will reap abundant rewards when the child is older–even during the teen years. Nobody wants to be told what to do and most of us want to make our own choices. Our children are no different. We all want our children to grow up being able to make their own good decisions and allowing these decision making opportunities from a young age will give a child a feeling of autonomy. I used to joke that I would ask my kids, “Do you want to eat your broccoli or have me cut your thumbs off?” They both still have their thumbs.

Psychology Today has a great article about giving kids choices and explains the benefits and circumstances under which kids making choices can be rewarding. Remember: your child WANTS AND NEEDS structure. They will test your boundaries so it’s critical to be consistent. A stronger sense of security develops when youth (of any age) know what the limits are and who have parents who enforce them. Be consistent. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/joyful-parenting/201602/5-guidelines-giving-kids-choices

How do you give your child choices? What works for you? Please let us know in the comments.

Empathy

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Empathy is one of the qualities that, in my opinion, makes the world a better place to live. When one possesses empathy one is able to put self in the place of others and understand their joys and pains. It is how we find it in our hearts to donate to charities, help our neighbors, speak out and act for human rights for all, for animal rights, our environment, and more.

Take this young man in Russia. At the time of the writing of the article he was 9 (NINE) years old. He possesses an extraordinary talent that could enrich himself and his family with great monetary rewards. He chooses, however, to benefit helpless animals with his art instead: https://www.healthyfoodhouse.com/this-9-year-old-sells-his-custom-pet-paintings-for-food-and-supplies-for-animal-shelters/

How do caregivers, (I originally wrote “cargivers” but I don’t think cars have anything to do with it.) parents, and other meaningful adults in a child’s life develop such a sense in the youth with whom they’re involved?

One way (and we will explore others in later posts) is to model empathy in our every day lives. We know children get frustrated when they are not allowed to play with knives and fire or to eat colorful laundry pods and it’s important to acknowledge our understanding of this frustration simply and truthfully while modeling for them how to identify and name their feelings. For instance, “I know you are frustrated and angry that you can’t play with that knife. I get frustrated when I can’t do things I want to do too, however if I let you play with that knife you will get hurt and I love you and I don’t want to see you be hurt” or for younger children, “You really want that but it will hurt you.” Then offer an alternative toy or activity. Do you want to play kitchen with spoons?

In our family members discussed important social issues with my kids throughout their lives at home. When they were young, they witnessed and talked about important family members donating to food banks, for instance, taking food to individuals in need, and other donation activity. “How do you think if feels to not have food? Why? What is something we (include the child) can do to help? “You know I feel sad and (offer suggestion or act on the child’s suggestion as best one can.) we can take a can of vegetables to the_________to help them have food.

There is no one way to model empathy and empathetic actions for kids. There are as many ways as their are people who care for a child. We all need to be natural and true to our own manners of communicating. What is important is that children see us understanding their feelings and the feelings of others.

How do you model empathy for the children in your life? Please give us some great ideas in the comments section.

Some Background

The need for love, touch, and belonging is universal among mammals.

There are so many psychologists who have studied child development. It is really easy to get lost in the quagmire. (I get lost no matter where I go…I have a terrible sense of direction.)

If you’re like I was, just getting through the day and not killing my baby felt like a great accomplishment. I was SO OVERWHELMED after my daughter was born that I could barely function. I now recognize that I was battling with postpartum depression which, back in 1987, wasn’t a publicized condition. The last thing in the world I cared about was what a bunch of psychologists had to say. I HAD studied a lot of that during my undergrad years but didn’t really keep it in the forefront of my thoughts.

Just in case you are curious, one of the most widely accepted hierarchy of human needs was published by a guy named Maslow. His hierarchy is usually the first that people who study these things study. It’s pretty basic but we humans are not basic so there are many more guys and girls with many more ideas about human development varying in complication. (https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html) Of course this hierarchy isn’t a checklist. It’s not like you have one component, check it off, and go to the next. All of us move in and out of most of these levels as we go through our lives. We can have all or some of several levels on one day and have a different combination of components the next. We always need a combination of all levels to be healthy human beings.

In my previous post I suggested a couple of ways to start to begin to lay a strong foundation for love and security building with your baby. If you looked at Maslow’s hierarchy, you will note that love and belonging is in the middle of the hierarchy but children (and the rest of us) are in constant need of everything in this level. What I suggested in that post is not a complete list of all you can do (duh) but it’s a starting point. The fact is, all positive interactions you have with your baby and child is a block in the building of a secure and confident human. Loving human touch and communication is essential. The more the better.

What are some ways you have found to build feelings of love and security with your babies/children? Please give us some good ideas in the comments.

The Beginning

This is my first blog entry as I try to navigate WordPress. As I learn more skills this will be shinier and prettier.

SO, you’re pregnant! Congratulations to you! Did you know that you can start right now to love your baby and make him/her feel secure and loved? You don’t have to wait until your miracle is born. Talking, singing, reading to your baby while you’re pregnant does have a positive effect on your baby. Moms, dads, sisters, brothers, and other significant family members can communicate with the baby. Playing music, reading aloud, and direct talking all count. According to WebMD on January 3, 2003, there are a myriad of positive reactions that occur in the baby when attention is paid to her/him before birth: https://www.webmd.com/baby/news/20130102/babies-learn-womb#1

For more information, you may want to search “benefits of talking to a baby in the womb”.

BIRTH

Now you’re holding your newborn. You’re so full of emotions, worries; happiness, insecurity, ecstasy,  fear. You’re also tired, in pain, and tired…Just by holding and feeding your baby you are well on your way to creating a loving, caring, future adult. Positive youth development begins the day a child is born and includes the infant beginning to know that their needs will be met and when they cry, someone will care for them. Food, clothing, shelter are what most of think about when considering basic needs but every human, the tiniest of us all included, has many more needs than those three.

;

This article from Scientific American, May 6, 2010 explains more: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/infant-touch/

From Babble.com: https://www.babble.com/parenting/cuddling-babies-study-benefits-touch/

There are so many resources available that I can’t list them all. If you want to read more, search for “benefits of holding infants” or something similar.

Summary:

Making Baby feel loved and secure starts with pregnancy with reading, singing, talking to the baby in the womb. There’s no such thing as spoiling an infant by holding her/him too much or too often. You CAN, however, foster insecurity and lack of trust by leaving her/him to “cry it out”. For the first year of your baby’s life, they need you or a loving caregiver to be there for them when they signal a need. Go ahead and hold your baby with reckless abandon!